Forgiving others is difficult in any situation, but it hurts more deeply when we are wounded by words and accusations from loved ones. If you’re like me, you might become fixated in processing the “event” over and over in your mind, trying to figure out why the other person chose to believe bad things about you. You play out scenarios in your head about how you can make it right — what you might say to help them understand your perspective. Even worse, you perseverate on scenarios where they get a taste of their own medicine and are put in their place.
I admit to all of this, and confess that finding forgiveness in a healthy manner is one of the most difficult challenges in life.
I am currently in the process of trying to respond in love and forgiveness to someone who regularly assumes the worst about me. It’s happened far too often, now; and in all honesty, I’m over it! Of course, that is not the loving, Christ-like response I need to have. I yield to thee knowledge that God will help move us past this, though it might take a while to put it all behind us.
I write this blog to share a strategy for finding forgiveness. The strategy involves visualizing (and praying, of course). To begin with, focus on a conflict you’ve had with another person(s) and visualize yourself with him/her/them in the most hurtful moment of that conflict. What do you see? Here’s what I see:
I suspect you see something similar, where the focus of the picture is on you, the one being wounded. Of course we are going to visualize it that way because our trauma comes from their harshness.
So, here’s the strategy, part one: take yourself out of the picture. Using the same technique of visualization, get rid of yourself and pay attention to what is left in the visual. In my example, I now see two people who are struggling with anger, but the “target” of that anger (me) doesn’t exist any more.
In my situation, doing this allowed me to focus more on the root of the issue that exists inside my wounder(s). Giving few specifics here, suffice it to say that when I took myself out of the picture of my current situation, I saw two people whose childhood’s had been full of circumstances which caused resentment. They grew up yearning to be loved unconditionally, but their situations wounded them to the point where trusting another person was difficult. I also saw two people at a stage of their lives where fear of aging was prevalent. Like a stray dog that’s been abused, is it any wonder that they might lash out at anyone who tries to love them?
So, my heart melted a bit. And I was able to see the situation from their perspective more easily. And I cried for their hurt. You see, when someone lashes out at you, it is always more about what is inside of them than it is about the arrows they may be aiming at you. While it feels like a personal attack, it is more about them not knowing how to deal with their own emotions.
Which brings me to
part two of the strategy. Now that you’ve taken yourself out of the picture, making the situation less personal, you must then put Christ into the picture. When I did this, I was able to pray for them, asking for emotional healing that can only come from the loving arms of Jesus. In doing this, specific scriptures came to mind that I could pray over them for the healing of all their childhood wounds and hope to help their fears of the future.
As I journey through my own healing from their accusations, I now visualize Christ at the center of the moment when they chose to lash out. Yes, it still hurts a bit because I’m unable to fully understand, but I do now recognize they were acting in fear.
There are many more chapters to be written with regard to finding forgiveness. It is a hard thing to do, and a “heart” thing to do. No wonder Christ taught and spoke so much it. One scripture suggests that when we are struck, we turn the other cheek; and if we are asked to walk one mile with someone, we should go ahead and walk two miles (Matthew 5:38-41). Here’s how I will apply that direction: when I turn the other cheek, I’ll be looking away that I might take myself and my own sensitivities out of the picture, and pray Christ into the picture. And when I walk another mile with that person, it will be by God’s grace, equipping me to persevere with them on their journey to find healing.
May it be so, Lord Jesus. By Your grace alone.
